Christmas Commandments

Erk! Christmas is upon us. If you've been looking at the shops recently it might seem that Christmas has been upon us for weeks. Not in this house! I absolutely refuse to even think about Christmas (other than presents for the family if I happen to see something they would like) until December. I have still got significant birthdays to get through before Christmas, Himself, one of my best friends from school and my mother all have birthdays in December - and not early December either! Today we put the Advent Calendar up and at some point in the future we will get the tree and the decorations down from the loft, but the real festive activities won't really start until the end of term.

Thinking about Christmas and end of term and whatnot I remembered my "Christmas Commandments" it is something I wrote ages ago for the entertainment of my students (mainly male late teens to early twenties in age). It is a performance piece and was delivered as such during the end of term "party".

Christmas Commandments

Hear now the word of the boss, let thee take heed, lest by ignorance thou fallest into error and confusion, and embarrassment and dismay come upon thee, and thy loved ones scorn thee. Listen now, and learn, for these are the commandments, handed down even unto the fourth generation, that the wise may profit whilst the foolish perish.

1. Thou shalt not commence the festivities in a state of sobriety. The season is to be celebrated with frivolity and enjoyment. Be of good cheer and celebrate, even though thy heart is heavy, for is it not so that those of glum countenance and miserable demeanour, and those who do nothing but berate those around them are left alone to ponder the error of their ways?

Indulge thyself in the joys of the season, in the sweetmeats and the beverages associated therewith, even that which is brewed and that which is fermented may be enjoyed. Share your indulgence with those that are near thee, lest they become morose and unbalanced and criticise thee. Be generous I say with the distribution and ingestion of beverages, but mix them not. Take not that which is brewed with that which is fermented, not that of the grape with the of the grain. For so it shall come to pass that the dawning of the next day shall become an abomination unto you, thy dog shall become bald, and only darkness and silence will please thee.

2. Thou shalt honour the cooks, and ply them with beverages and brews, but in moderation only, lest they become forgetful of time and technique, and conflagration and disaster ensue.

3. Thou shalt let no morsel of food be left upon thy plate at the conclusion of dinner, for this is an abomination in the eyes of those who have laboured long in the production thereof. Eat it I say, leave no scrap or morsel, not even that which is called the brussel sprout, though thy stomach is uneasy and revolts within thee, for the wages of waste is washing up even unto the Day after Boxing Day.

4. Thou shalt not cast thy nutshells upon the carpet, nor yet the crumbs of mince pies. Avoid all littering of the floor with the festive debris even that which is repellent unto thee, for, without a doubt, it will wait until thy naked foot is upon it, and bite thee.

5. Thou shalt not ingest the silver sixpence from the festive pudding, nor yet the novelty from that which is named a cracker and yet cracks not, lest the local hospital become thy residence, and thy family and loved ones see thee not for many days.

6. Thou shalt not scavenge upon the carcass of the turkey, nor anything else which may be displayed within the house for lack of space within the cooling places. Neither should thou permit thy cat or thy hound to do so. For this is a sin in the eyes of the cook and thou wilt be berated and condemned for such a thing.

7. Thou shalt not deposit the contents of thy digestive tract upon the carpet, nor upon the bedding, nor upon any item which belongs to thee not. Instead thou shalt make haste to the place which is prepared for such things, and then cleanse and anoint thyself in gratitude that thou hast not found disfavour in the eyes of those who share thy dwelling space. Failure to achieve the sanctum is a grievous sin in the eyes of many, and the fault must be rectified, with much washing, and the anointing of the place with strong smelling liquids, even that which is called "Dettol" and the spraying of that which sweetens the air and removes the taint therefrom. Even though thy stomach is in revolt, and thy head falls from thy shoulders thou must clean up after thyself.

8. Be kind to the elderly, and honour them. Even if their gifts please thee not, be generous with thy thanks. Mock not the handworked items, even though they are abhorrent to thee and of a size unfitting your mature state. Give thanks with a glad face and grimace not in dark corners, nor deride these gifts with your companions, lest the givers take offense. For truly it is said that it is better to give than to receive, and even a thought is counted worthy of gratitude and respect. Remember that age and forgetfulness come to all who survive and the passing of the years is heeded not, nor the ages of the offspring of the nieces and nephews. Neither their growth nor their age is remembered. Remember all ye gathered here that there is an abundance always of places where charitable people may dispose of that which is unwanted and unattractive. Hope always that the next festive season will bring the chariot of great speed and impeccable design such that even thine enemies are set at nought and many stand and gaze at thy coming and going, even those with whom thou wouldst wish to find favour.

9. Eat heartily of the cooked meats, and complain not, nor seek to procure alternative sustenance elsewhere lest thou be condemned to the turkey sandwich, even unto the twelfth day after Christmas.

10. Thou shalt not lurk in hope near unto the Mistletoe, lest they whom you dislike come unto thee and embrace thee and cause blushing and stammering to fall upon thee. Even though there are many nearby who find favour in thine eyes, lurk not. Nor shall thee clasp the mistletoe in thy hand nor attach it to thy person or to thine apparel for such shall make thee an object of scorn and derision. Be warned that such devices are unnecessary in a meeting of true hearts and troublesome to those whose desire is for other activity.

Here endeth the lesson. Mark it well and forget it not, that ye may enjoy the fruits of the season and suffer not the dark despair which is called the "hangover", and that thy spirits shall be uplifted and thy soul refreshed and that thee may be better fitted to return to struggle with the delights of the the assessment and the examination.

Date posted: 30 Nov 2008

How not to make a cup of tea

This is for real. This is how I spent my morning - well some of it.

I do quite a bit of knitting (machine mainly but some hand knitting) and crochet. I recently came by a fairly large quantity of coned yarn suitable for machine knitting. Too much for me ever to use really, so I listed some on ebay. Sold a few cones. No problem with that except of course with ebay you often have to post stuff. So today, since I wasn't working, I started wrapping the cones ready for the post. First though I had to pick the cones I had sold and sort them out. So I spent a while doing that. By which time I was thirsty. Off to the kitchen to put the kettle on. After that it got silly. Roughly it went like this

• Put water in kettle, turn kettle on
• Notice washing machine has finished cycle.
• Empty washing machine
• Hang washing on the clothes dryer
• Think "I am hungry"
• Go to kitchen to find something to eat
• Notice that number 2 son has left a couple of lancets on the worktop
• Remove lancets to sharps box
• Remember that there is more washing upstairs
• Go to get washing from upstairs
• While upstairs remember something that I need to look up on the computer - go and look it up
• Check email
• Have a quick look at Ebay
• Take washing downstairs
• Dump washing by the machine
• Sort washing and put a load on
• Go into living room to get cup for tea
• Notice a cone of yarn on my chair and try to remember if it has been sold and who bought it if so
• Go upstairs to computer to check
• Discover that it hasn't been sold
• Come back down stairs and put cone of yarn in box to give to a friend
• Go into kitchen to make tea
• Realise that I didn't bring the cup back before
• Go to get cup
• Turn kettle on again
• Notice disturbance at front door
• Check door and find that postman has been and brought a book for me and some letters (one of which is for somebody who lives at the same number as us but in a different road - that happens far too often)
• Unwrap book and put to one side to read while drinking tea
• Take rest of post upstairs to office
• Talk to cat and play tummy tickling games until she gets bored, which doesn't take long
• Notice curtains closed in bedroom so open curtains
• Check knitting on machine and what comes next in pattern
• Go back to kitchen, eat last slice of birthday cake
• Remember I promised to see if I have some small balls of wool I don't need that can be passed on to somebody who teaches knitting
• Rummage through several boxes extracting various balls of wool
• Find plastic bag and put wool into bag
• Take wool into living room and add to pile of stuff that will be posted
• Go back into kitchen
• Put kettle on again
• Put tea bag in cup
• Remember I need to take a loaf out of the freezer
• Take loaf out of freezer
• Finish making cup of tea
• Take tea into living room
• Sit down in chair
• Get up again and go to find new book
• Sit down and open book
• Realise that my glasses aren't here by my chair but over there
• Get glasses
• Drink tea

Elapsed time was something like an hour.

Next time I'll ignore the washing machine!

Date posted: 17 Jul 2008